46 Detroit Residents Robbed and Murdered On Way to See ‘Robocop’

by Andy Marx & Will McArdle

Law Enforcement officials have confirmed that 46 Detroit residents were robbed and murdered on the way to see the remake of “Robocop,” the wish-fulfillment fantasy about a part-man, part-machine police officer who cleans up the crime ridden streets of Detroit. According to Detroit Chief of Police James Craig, he realizes how excited residents are to see the latest installment of their hometown hero, Alex “Robocop” Murphy, but warns that they should refrain from going to theaters because it is too dangerous.


“I would recommend residents of Detroit just rent a movie at Redbox and stay home, but I can’t since all of the city’s Redbox kiosks have been stolen,” James told Hollywood & Swine. “In a perfect world, this city would have enough money to turn every injured officer into crime fighting cyborgs, but unfortunately, this city is so broke, the best we could do for all the cops shot in the line of duty last year was give them a rusty old wheelchair.”

Despite the controversy, Sony Pictures, the studio behind the “Robocop” reboot is confident it will be an even bigger hit than their last unnecessary remake of a Paul Verhoeven movie, the 2012 boxoffice bomb, “Total Recall.” The studio has already greenlit reboots of Verhoeven’s other classic films including “Basic Instinct,” “Showgirls,” “Starship Troopers” and “Hollow Man.”

On a brighter note for the city of Detroit, producers of AMC’s hit zombie series, “The Walking Dead,” have revealed that the theme park which was created from several of the cities’ derelict abandoned neighborhoods will open as planned next month (Hollywood & Swine, April 2, 2013).

“Just a reminder to the public, we’re still in the process of hiring employees for ‘The Walking Dead’ theme park,” the show’s creator, Robert Kirkman, said. “So once again, if you see a woman walking around with a samurai sword, she’s not an actor playing Michonne, but actually a very disturbed and violent homeless person.”