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Chicago Mayor to Implement ‘The Purge’ In Desperate Attempt to Save City

After successfully lowering the homicide rate from the previous year, Chicago Mayor Rahm Emmanuel is focusing on tackling the city’s other rampant problems, including unemployment and the closure 50 public schools this summer, by implementing “The Purge,” an annual twelve hour period where all criminal activity, including murder, is legal.

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According to Emmanuel, he came up the idea to improve the city while watching “The Purge,” the hit horror film starring Ethan Hawke, last weekend and decided to implement the policy after getting assurance from City Council that murders committed during “The Purge” wouldn’t be included with his newly reduced homicide statistics.

“I believe ‘The Purge’ will be the first thing the people of Chicago have had to be excited about since Michael Jordan retired,” Emanuel told Hollywood & Swine.  “And if you’ve seen ‘The Purge,’ then you know that you and your family will be perfectly safe as long as you don’t let some random guy being chased by a mob into your home.”

Emanuel assured citizens that “The Purge” will not take place until early 2014, which will give him and his friends plenty of time to turn their expensive homes into highly-fortified fortresses.  Even some of Emanuel’s harshest conservative critics credit him for taking the most innovative steps to improve his city since Detroit Mayor David Bing revealed plans to turn the most derelict areas of his city into a theme parked based on AMC’s hit series, “The Walking Dead.” (Hollywood & Swine, April 2, 2013)

  • gnark1ll

    Now thats classic…..Im not syaing its a great idea, but it would be fun. I only hope the UK government can become similarly enlightened before Im too old to enjoy a good Purgin’.