Tom Cruise

Church of Scientology Announces Ban on All Actors Following Third Celebrity Scandal

Following revelations that former “Sons of Anarchy” star Johnny Lewis, who last week murdered his elderly landlady and her cat before falling off a roof and dying, had prior ties to Scientology, church leaders have announced plans to excommunicate every member of the Screen Actors Guild.

At the same time, the church also announced it was immediately changing the name of its Hollywood headquarters from the “Scientology Celebrity Centre” to the “Scientology Normal-People-Who-Don’t-Crave-Attention Centre.”

Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise spends time with a Catholic priest after deciding to audition various religions following the banning of celebrities by the Church of Scientology.

The Lewis scandal is the latest in what has been a publicity nightmare for Scientology because of the bad behavior by many of its actor members during the past year, including Scientologists Tom Cruise, who used the church to recruit his third wife, and John Travolta, who allegedly fondled a number of male masseurs.

“It was bad enough when John Travolta was groping anyone within arms reach and when Katie Holmes escaped Tom Cruise’s custody,” a spokesperson for Scientology told Hollywood & Swine.  “But when an actor dismembers a cat and kills an old lady, that’s where we draw the line.  Even for a religion that believes in aliens, these Hollywood actors are way too weird for us.”

Ken Howard, the current president of the Screen Actors Guild, said he was excited to learn of Scientology’s ban on SAG members: “Hopefully now that these actors are no longer associated with Scientology, they won’t creep out producers and casting directors so much and land more work,” he said.

Most of the SAG members, which includes Jenna Elfman, Juliette Lewis, Leah Remini, Giovanni Ribisi and Kirstie Alley, learned of their dismissal from a group e-mail sent out by the church earlier today.  The e-mail thanked the actors for their years of service, which included tirelessly defending their unusual religion during every press junket for their movies or television shows.

According to Scientology sources, church leader David Miscavige decided to break the news to its most famous member, Tom Cruise, in person.  Inspired by the firing scene in “Jerry McGuire,” Miscavige took Cruise out to well-known eatery, The Ivy, hoping that by being in public, Cruise wouldn’t start yelling when he learned Scientology was letting him go.

“This is the worst thing to happen to me since ‘Lions for Lambs,’ ” said Cruise after learning he had been kicked out of Scientology.  “Now who is going to help me find my new wife?”

Upon hearing news of Scientology cutting ties with their celebrity members, VH1 immediately announced that it is bringing back its reality show “The Surreal Life,” so that  excommunicated former A-listers like Leah Remini, Kirstie Alley, Jenna Elfman and Jason Lee, will have a place to stay until they get back on their feet.

  • Jory

    …A comment?… ok… nothing, but nothing, sucks more than this
    psychotic slave-labour quasi-Fascist army of aliens.