The pentagon confirmed earlier today that the CIA discovered and successfully thwarted a terrorist plot to blow up the Kardashians. The alleged plot began after members of Al-Qaeda turned on the ‘Today’ show Tuesday to watch the 11th anniversary memorial of the 9/11 attacks and were shocked to see Kardashian matriarch Kris Jenner being interviewed instead.
“When we saw the ‘Today’ show choosing to air Kris Jenner’s interview about her boob job instead of participating in the 9/11 moment of silence, we realized America had moved on from the attacks,” said Marwan al-Hazmi, an Al-Qaeda member captured by U.S. forces earlier today. “That’s when we decided in order to destroy America, we must take away what Americans value the most, and that is the Kardashians.”
According to a spokesperson for the CIA, Al-Qaeda’s first choice for morning programming has traditionally been “Good Morning America,” but the terrorist organization felt the show’s news coverage was too unreliable after it mistakenly reported that recently deceased director Tony Scott had inoperable brain cancer, and identified the Aurora, Colorado movie theater gunmen as a member of the Tea Party.
Pentagon officials said that Al-Qaeda had planned on sending a terrorist scout to Los Angeles this week in order to purchase a star map in order to learn the home addresses of the Kardashians. But before they were able to set their plot in motion, members of a United States military task force raided their compound in Afganistan and apprehended the suspected terrorists.
Upon learning of the Al-Qaeda plot against herself and family members, Kris Jenner released the following statement: “This is a bittersweet moment for my family. It is really scary that someone was trying to destroy us, but on the other hand we also appreciate the attention, which we can never get enough of.”