SAG Awards

Dead Film Careers of Jason Statham and Jennifer Lopez Honored During SAG Awards’ ‘In Memoriam’ Tribute

Still reeling from the deaths of the film careers of Jason Statham and Jennifer Lopez, which was confirmed after their most recent film, “Parker,” opened to an embarrassing $7 million this weekend, the Screen Actors Guild honored the careers of Statham and Lopez, including them in last night’s moving “In Memoriam” tribute.

After seeing their most recent films, the members of SAG admitted they were less shocked by the death of Statham and Lopez’s film careers than they were by the passing of others included in the “In Memoriam” tribute, including Andy Griffith, Whitney Houston, Larry Hagman, Charles Durning, and Ernest Borgnine.

SAG Awards

After this past weekend’s disastrous opening of “Parker,” the careers of the film’s two stars, Jason Statham and Jennifer Lopez, were honored during the SAG Awards ‘In Memoriam” tribute.

“I haven’t seen an audience so happy at a death since Bin Laden gets killed at the end of my movie ‘Zero Dark Thirty,’ ” said Jessica Chastain, who introduced the “In Memoriam” tribute.  “At least the videos Bid Laden kept releasing of himself had better dialogue than Statham and Lopez’s last few movies.

According to a SAG spokesperson, the organization received dozens of frantic phone calls from family members and friends of Statham and Lopez, wanting to make sure the dead careers of the two actors would make SAG’s “In Memorium” tribute.

“Fortunately for Mr. Statham and Ms. Lopez, we knew by Friday afternoon that “Parker” was going to bomb, so we had plenty of time to add them to the list of honorees,” the spokesperson said.

SAG nominated actress Helen Mirren was horrified when her husband Taylor Hackford, who directed “Parker,” was arrested during the middle of the SAG awards, for his involvement in killing Statham and Lopez’s careers.  Hackford, who was already on parole from the Renny Harlin Penitentiary for his cinematic 2010 crime “Love Ranch,” was immediately returned to director jail.

During the “In Memoriam” tribute, Ben Affleck refused to look at the extremely brief highlights of ex-girlfriend Lopez’s film career, admitting he is still bitter that her film career almost killed his own career when they starred in the boxoffice failures, “Gigli” and “Jersey Girl.”

Although Statham’s film career is dead, the Guinness World Record he set last year (Hollywood & Swine, April 26, 2012), for the most times playing the exact same movie role — the likeable bald badass — will probably live on forever, since other actors now realize if you keep giving audiences the same performance over and over again, they’ll stop seeing your movies.

  • Dustin Scarsdale

    I thought Telly Savalas got that award…

  • TruthHurtsDeal


  • derrick

    A law should be passed making it illegal for Lopez to “attempt” to act.