abrams

Depressed Teenagers Put Suicides on Hold After Learning J.J. Abrams Will Direct Next ‘Star Wars’

After learning that J.J. Abrams will direct the next installment in the “Star Wars” franchise, depressed teenagers across the country have decided to postpone their upcoming suicides to the relief of thousands of parents.  According to psychologists, there haven’t been this many happy teenagers since the days before their cruel classmates figured out that social media could be used as an effective bullying tool.

J.J. Abrams

Moments after learning J.J. Abrams would direct the next “Star Wars,” film, Kurt Hayes announced he was canceling his planned suicide.

The announcement of Abrams’ directing the next “Star Wars” comes at an opportune time as parents of depressed teenagers have been anxiously waiting for something to give their children a reason for living.  Many parents had hoped another Abrams’ project, NBC’s “Revolution,” would cheer up their teens, but the disappointing and extremely grim series only made its young viewers more despondent.

“I’m really looking forward to not crying myself to sleep tonight on my ‘Star Wars: The Clone Wars’ pillow case,” said Kurt Hayes, a 16-year-old, who has been chronically depressed since middle-school.   “I’m so happy about J.J. Abrams directing ‘Star Wars,’ that I’m going to wear my Yoda t-shirt to school tomorrow, even though I will get harassed and probably beat-up because of it.

Abrams’ signing on to direct the 7th “Star Wars” film couldn’t have come at a better time, since a recent national study revealed that high school students who publically acknowledge their love for “Star Wars” are 78% more likely to be suicidal due to constant bullying, in addition to also being 92% more likely to still be a virgin.

And this isn’t the first time Abrams has saved countless young lives.  In 2009, when he rejuvenated the “Star Trek” franchise with his hit reboot, he lowered the suicide rate for high school Trekkies from 86% down to 12%.  Unfortunately, Abrams was unable to do anything about the 100% virginity rate for high school Trekkies.

  • Choking Kojak

    Eyes are watering I’m laughing so hard reading this 🙂

    Brilliant site!

  • m0r1arty

    Very good indeed!

    Now let’s see some LOST fanbois come in and tell us all how stupid we are.

  • Jamie

    Ha ha. I could only partially see the title at first and I clicked the link taking it a little too seriously lol

  • Jamie

    Ha ha. I could only partially see the title at first and I clicked the link taking it a little too seriously lol