The Federal Bureau of Investigation announced they are calling off their most recent search for the remains of Jimmy Hoffa, the notorious teamster leader who vanished in 1975, in order to focus the Bureau’s full resources on finding the career of actor John Cusack which has been missing for several years.
According to FBI Special Agent David Shayne, the Bureau was first alerted of Cusack’s missing career by the actor’s longtime friend and frequent co-star, Jeremy Piven, who became concerned that something horrible may have happened to his friend’s career after realizing he hadn’t been given a supporting role in a Cusack movie since 2003’s “Runaway Jury.”
“The last confirmed sighting Piven had of Cusack’s career was in 2009 and 2010 in the films ‘2012’ and ‘Hot Tub Time Machine,’” Shayne told Hollywood & Swine. “We had several leads called into our tip line from people claiming to have spotted Cusack’s career in something called ‘The Raven’ and ‘The Paperboy,’ but we’re still not sure what those are. We also received a tip from actress Joan Cusack who believes her brother’s career went straight to Redbox and never came back.”
Although the FBI is certain Hoffa was murdered by members of the mafia, they believe Cusack’s career was probably killed by a series of bad movies including, “The Contract,” “War, Inc.,” “Grace Is Gone,” “Martian Child,” “Shanghai,” “The Factory” and “The Numbers Station.”
The FBI also revealed that despite recent media reports, Cusack’s missing career was not discovered trapped in a basement in Cleveland, Ohio. The rumors were started after Charles Ramsey, the national hero, who earlier this year rescued three missing women locked in his neighbor’s basement, thought he heard Cusack’s career calling out for help from another neighbor’s basement. Unfortunately, after Ramsey kicked down the door, he discovered his neighbor watching “1408,” one of Cusack’s last hits of his career.
“Cusack’s career was the kind all second-tier movie stars strive for,” Piven said at press conference, where he begged for the public’s help in the search. “John’s career was our generation’s Dennis Quaid’s career. If you’ve seen it, please call the FBI.”