John Carter

FBI Credits ‘John Carter’ With Averting Airline Hijacking as Terrorists Flee Plane to Avoid Watching It

The Federal Bureau of Investigation is crediting Disney’s boxoffice disaster “John Carter” with stopping a real-life disaster, after suspected hijackers fled an American Airlines flight before take-off from New York’s JFK Airport after learning that the in-fight movie was going to be “John Carter.”

Upon hearing the news, the Department of Homeland Security immediately announced it was ordering all airlines to begin showing nothing but “John Carter” on all domestic flights as a deterrent to hijackers.

John Carter

Just days after being released for for in-flight viewing on most airlines, “John Carter” is being credited with thwarting a hijacking.

According to FBI authorities, three alleged members of Al Qaeda boarded a cross-county flight bound for Los Angeles, with plans of taking control of the aircraft after take-off.  However, their plan quickly changed when the flight attendant revealed that once airborne, they would be watching “John Carter,” starring Taylor Kitsch.

“The three hijackers started freaking out, saying they couldn’t go through with it,” said Sean Richards, a passenger seated next to the terrorists.  “I told them the movie wasn’t as bad as they had heard, but they refused to listen and hurried for the exit, begging the flight attendants to let them off.”

“I hate to imagine what would have happened if the in-flight movie had been something people actually wanted to see,” added Captain Paul Burns, the plane’s pilot.  “We are fortunate the movie wasn’t ’21 Jump Street.’ ”

Reached for comment, Taylor Kitsch, the film’s star, expressed surprise upon hearing that his debut film had thwarted a hijacking.

“When I heard it was one of my films, I assumed it had to be ‘Battleship,’ ” Kitsch told Hollywood & Swine, referring to his second movie that also bombed at the boxoffice.

In addition to ordering all flights to show nothing but “John Carter,” Homeland Security officials said after learning of the effect the film had on the hijackers, multiple screenings of “John Carter” have now been scheduled for the Guantanamo Bay detention camp, replacing waterboarding as a way to extract information from prisoners.

Upon hearing news of the countless lives “John Carter” saved, President Obama announced he was awarding the Presidential Medal Of Freedom, the highest medal a civilian can receive, to director Andrew Stanton and former Disney Studios Chairman Rich Ross, for their courage to make a film that audiences and terrorists avoid at all costs.

  • Taylor Kitsch

    Seriously, what the hell did I ever do to you people? 

    • Cheesefrog19

      I honestly doubt you’re the real Taylor Kitsch, but if you are, I just want you to know that I absolutely loved John Carter. When I saw it in the theatre, a few weeks after those ridiculous negative reviews were coming in, I wasn’t that surprised that they were dead wrong. I had been looking forward to it for quite some time, and you did not disappoint at all. Anyway, real Taylor or not, I’d just like to let anybody who reads this to know that I think John Carter is an all around awesome movie.

      • Merle Blue

         Hear, hear!

    • Mike Bitter

      Appeared in a POS movie that we paid $10 per person to have to sit thru.

  • Merle Blue

    This story would have been funnier if you’d selected an actual bad movie. Like, say, “Season of the Witch”. Or “Prometheus”.

  • MrChrisW

    Why would Homeland Security allow a bomb on an airplane in the first place? Those guys clearly don’t know what they’re doing over there.

  • Hammonddog

    Taylor Kitsch’s agent must really love you.