In response to the rising number of critical and boxoffice failures that have reached epidemic proportions this year, Hollywood has announced plans to break ground on a new $500 million state-of-the-art Director Jail to house the rising number of filmmakers incarcerated for their cinematic crimes. The co-ed director jail, which will be named the Lana & Andy Wachowski Penitentiary, will replace Hollywood’s current director jail, the overcrowded and outdated Renny Harlin Penitentiary.
The decision to open a co-ed director jail was made after prison officials determined that after director Larry Wachowski underwent sex re-assignment surgery, he would no longer be able to remain in the male-only Renny Harlin Penitentiary where he was sentenced for “Speed Racer.” Larry, now known as Lana, was convicted again along with her brother Andy for their roles in making 2012’s “Cloud Atlas,” one of the most confusing boxoffice bombs ever, and will begin serving their sentence once the co-ed facility opens this summer.
Sociologists and movie critics point to the high film school drop-out rate as the biggest factor contributing to the alarming increase of crimes against audiences nationwide committed by directors in recent years. Within the first few months of 2013, a record number of directors including Allen Hughes, Niels Arden Oplev, Walter Hill, Don Scardino, Taylor Hackford, Ruben Fleischer, Richard LaGravenese and Andrew Niccol were sentenced to director jail for making “Broken City,” “Dead Man Down,” Bullet to the Head,” “The Incredible Burt Wonderstone,” “Parker,” “Gangster Squad,” “Beautiful Creatures” and “The Host.”
Director jail authorities are also hoping the maximum-security Lana & Andy Wachowski Penitentiary will be able to contain one of director jail’s most legendary residents, Joel Schumacher, who was sentenced to life without the possibility of parole for directing 1997’s “Batman & Robin.” Schumacher escaped a year later, as the wildly unpredictable filmmaker avoided capture for over a decade as he continued his cinematic crime spree with such films as “Bad Company,” “The Number 23,” “Blood Creek,” “Twelve” and “Trespass.”
In related news, filmmaker John McTiernan who made history last week as the first filmmaker to be transferred out of director jail in order to serve time in federal prison, was placed in protective custody today after prison officials feared for his safety when inmates discovered he directed the back-to-back boxoffice bombs “Rollerball” and “Basic.”