the last stand

Hollywood Shocked to Learn Teens Have No Interest in Seeing Action Movies Starring Senior Citizens

Hollywood executives are still reeling from the shock of discovering that not a single teenager in America went to see Arnold Schwarzenegger’s latest action movie, “The Last Stand,” which opened this past weekend in ninth place with a disastrous boxoffice total of $6.19 million.  The situation has now forced anxious Warner Bros. executives to solve this mystery before their elderly action film, “Bullet to the Head,” starring 66-year-old Sylvester Stallone, is released February 1st.

The Last Stand

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s fan base came out to support the star’s latest film, “The Last Stand,” which opened last weekend.

“With the success of ‘The Expendables’ franchise, we were convinced audiences wanted to see more films with action stars who battle bad guys and arthritis,” a Warner Bros. executive told Hollywood & Swine.  “Unfortunately, during our investigation into the failure of ‘The Last Stand,’ we’ve learned the only reason teens went to see ‘The Expendables’ was because Jason Statham and Jet Li were in it.”

One of the countless teenagers interviewed by Hollywood studios for their investigation was 14 year-old Jimmy Prosser, who was only four years old when Schwarzenegger starred in his last film, 2003’s “Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines.”

“I wasn’t even aware he was an actor,” Prosser said.  “I just thought he was a terrible governor who got his maid pregnant.  After seeing him delivering those terrible one-liners in the previews for ‘The Last Stand,’ I’m still not convinced he’s an actor.”

Schwarzenegger believes “The Last Stand,” despite its horrible opening weekend, will be a success, because his target demographic, men over 60, avoid going to theaters opening weekend, because like most senior citizens they don’t like crowds.

Schwarzenegger also revealed he stole the title for his boxoffice bomb “The Last Stand,” from his estranged wife Maria Schriver’s planned autobiography about how she stuck by Schwarzenegger for over 20 years despite allegations of womanizing, but finally had enough after learning he had a 15-year-affair with a Dyson vacuum cleaner (Hollywood & Swine, September 30, 2012), and fathered a son with their longtime housekeeper.

  • MYost

    Even their face lift didn’t help.

    • http://twitter.com/JuliaHewitt10 JuliaHewitt

      like Lois implied I am inspired that some people able to get paid $7761 in one month on the network.

    • http://twitter.com/JuliaHewitt10 JuliaHewitt

      …..—–goo.gl/G9uVd (Click on Home)

  • dandy

    ” a Warner Bros. executive told Hollywood & Swine. “Unfortunately, during our investigation into the failure of ‘The Last Stand,’ we’ve learned the only reason teens went to see ‘The Expendables’ was because Jason Statham and Jet Li were in it.”… What a crock of shit. Who honestly believes this?

  • http://www.facebook.com/dustin.scarsdale Dustin Scarsdale

    This is satire, guys….Cmon.