New Year's Resolutions

Hollywood & Swine’s Favorite Celebrity New Year’s Resolutions For 2013

As 2012 comes to a close, New Year’s Eve certainly wouldn’t be complete without a few resolutions, and we at Hollywood & Swine were more than happy to hear from several of the celebrities we’ve written about during the past year, especially since we didn’t think any of them were still speaking to us.  Let’s hope for the sake of all of us, these celebrities make good on their resolutions.

New Year's Resolutions

Prior to ringing in the new year, Taylor Kitsch, Demi Moore, Edward Burns and Lindsay Lohan revealed their New Year’s resolutions for 2013.

Lindsay Lohan — Nobody has more of a reason to make New Year’s resolutions than the controversial actress, who, among other things, filed a lawsuit against her acting coach for fraud after her critically-panned performance as Elizabeth Taylor in Lifetime’s “Liz & Dick,” and being rumored to have been killed by a TMZ drone.   Lohan told Hollywood & Swine she’s saving quitting alcohol and illegal drugs for her 2018 New Year’s resolution and instead has vowed that in 2013 she’ll star in some embarrassingly bad movie that will hopefully be released on Redbox .

Taylor Kitsch — “I have three resolutions for 2013,” Kitsch told Hollywood & Swine.  “The first is to finally read a script before I agree to star in it unlike I did with ‘Battleship,’ ‘John Carter,’ and ‘Savages.’  My second resolution is to finally star in a film that crosses the $100 million mark at the domestic boxoffice.  And my final resolution is to go back and watch all five seasons of ‘Friday Night Lights’ on DVD, so I can figure out why Hollywood thought I was ready to be a movie star in the first place.”

Demi Moore — After a rough year which included her well-publicized overdose and her much younger husband Ashton Kutcher filing for divorce while dating Mila Kunis, Moore has decided to make some major lifestyle changes in 2013.  Moore revealed to Hollywood & Swine that she plans on asking “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle” co-star Justin Theroux and fiancée Jennifer Aniston for permission to adopt their Smoking Indonesian Baby which she plans to immediately begin dating and grooming to be her next husband.

The Holograms of Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G. — Following the controversy caused by the hologram of dead rapper Notorious B.I.G. shooting the hologram of dead rapper Tupac Shakur on stage earlier this year at Coachella, both holograms announced that their New Year’s resolution would be to finally put their East Coast-West Coast feud to rest.  They’ve even decided to kick-off 2013 by co-hosting ABC’s countdown to New Year’s with the hologram of Dick Clark.

Edward Burns — After revealing to Hollywood & Swine that he’s secretly been writing and directing movies for the past ten years, Edward Burns has decided that in 2013 he’s finally ready to share his movies again with the movie-going public, starting with his the latest film he directed and secretly released last month, “Fitzgerald Family Christmas.”  “I had a life changing moment a few months ago when my son accidentally walked in on me in the middle of the night while I was editing ‘Fitzgerald Family Christmas,’ ” Burns told Hollywood & Swine.  “He saw how mortified I was that he caught me but looked me in the eyes and said, ‘Dad, if you should be embarrassed by anything, it’s not that you’re directing passion projects,  it’s that you starred in that dreadful thriller ‘Alex Cross’ with Tyler Perry.’ ”

Man Who Had First Homosexual Thought of His Life after Watching “Magic Mike” —  “I’m going to leave my wife and kids this year and move in what the bartender from Applebee’s, who sort of resembles Channing Tatum.”