Inspired by the same Hollywood executives who supported his rival Hillary Clinton, President-Elect Donald Trump has once again shocked the nation with his controversial decision to put the United States Constitution into turnaround. According to President-Elect Trump, he made the decision to give up on the Constitution after spending the past two weeks and millions of dollars hiring some of Hollywood’s top screenwriters, including David Koepp, Brian Helgeland, Jeff Nathanson, Diablo Cody and Joss Whedon to rewrite the Constitution, but unfortunately none of the acclaimed scribes were able to crack it.
“Let’s be honest, the Constitution has been around almost as long as Warren Beatty has been trying to get his Howard Hughes biopic made,” President-Elect Trump told Hollywood & Swine. “Although I haven’t read it, Steve Bannon thinks it’s more outdated and overrated than a Joe Eszterhas spec from the ’90s.”
Fans of democracy are hopeful that the Constitution, which is currently being shopped by WME to several other countries, and producer Megan Ellison, will find a new home quickly. Although President-Elect Trump didn’t reveal what he’ll replace the Constitution with, he is extremely optimistic about an untitled pitch he bought today by “13 Hours” scribe Chuck Hogan that Michael Bay is in talks to produce.
“To show I’m capable of compromise with Democrats, I’ve offered to replace the Electoral College with Trump University,” President-Elect Trump said. “And on a positive note, I’m a couple of weeks in as President-Elect and have yet to grab a woman by the pussy. That beats Bill Clinton’s personal best by five days!”
In related news, AMPAS President Cheryl Boone Isaacs has announced that the upcoming 88th Academy Awards will now be one long In Memoriam segment, a move that comes in the wake of the alarming rise of suicides among members of the entertainment industry directly related to President-Elect Trump’s unexpected victory.