jack nicholson

Jack Nicholson Ordered by Doctors to Sell Lakers Season Tickets Before Team’s Losing Streak Kills Him

Oscar-winning actor Jack Nicholson has been ordered by his doctors to sell his L.A. Lakers floor seats, citing the toll the team’s miserable record this season has taken on the 75-year-old’s health.  Nicholson, a season ticket holder since 1970, has already been rushed to the emergency room over a dozen times during the teams awful 9-14 start.  His doctors fear if he keeps attending games, the Lakers horrible performance  may cost Nicholson his life, like it cost former coach Mike Brown his job.

Jack Nicholson

After last Sunday’s embarrassing loss by the L.A. Lakers to the Utah Jazz, Jack Nicholson was rushed to a nearby hospital.

“I thought seeing the boxoffice results for my last film ‘How Do You Know’ would be the most agonizing experience of my life until I witnessed Dwight Howard attempt a free throw,” Nicholson told Hollywood & Swine.  “If this Lakers team was anymore overpaid and lazy, they’d be starring in an Adam Sandler movie.”

According to doctors, Nicholson suffered a brain aneurysm courtside during the fourth quarter of last Sunday’s Lakers home loss to the Utah Jazz and was warned by his doctors that if he attends anymore games, he will be dead before the NBA All-Star break.  According to Nicholson, he agreed to follow his doctors’ orders and put his floor seats for sale on eBay, but hasn’t found anyone even remotely interested.

But one Laker courtside season ticket holder who isn’t taking the team’s struggles as hard a Nicholson is Dreamworks Animation head Jeffrey Katzenberg.

“I spend the majority of the time at the game watching one of the ‘Shrek’ movies on my iPhone, so I honestly hadn’t noticed they were struggling,” Katzenberg said.  “I’m sure once Shaq gets back from injury, we’ll start winning again.”

Lakers owner Jerry Buss told Hollywood & Swine he believes his team will start winning again once he finds a new career for his son, Lakers vice president Jim Buss, whose incompetence has run one of the most successful sport franchises of all time into the ground.

“Now I know how Francis Ford Coppola felt after his daughter ruined ‘Godfather 3,’ ” Jerry Buss said.  “Unfortunately, the only job my son is qualified to do in this town is to become Taylor Kitsch’s agent.”

  • Luke

    -.- who are you trying to fool, the face is clearly pasted onto there on photoshop