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Jay Leno Convinces Retired Pope Benedict to Demand His Old Job Back

Following a conversation with “The Tonight Show” host Jay Leno, Pope Benedict XVI, the former leader of the Catholic church, demanded that the Vatican give him his old job back, even though they had already announced his successor, Pope Francis I.  Millions of Catholics worldwide are concerned that Pope Benedict XVI reneging on his retirement promise could destroy the Vatican, much like like Jay Leno reneging on his retirement promise to “The Tonight Show” successor Conan O’Brien, helped destroy NBC.

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“As long as the Vatican doesn’t give Whitney Cummings a sitcom, the Catholic Church will be fine,” Pope Benedict told Hollywood & Swine.  ”Leno advised me that if Pope Francis has a problem with the fact that I’m back, I should tell him to go to TBS.”

Pope Benedict XVI’s decision last month to become the first pope to resign in 600 years, admitting he was too old and wanted to retire with dignity, was inspired by seeing Arnold Schwarzenegger’s “The Last Stand,” and Sylvester Stallone’s “Bullet to the Head,” both of which bombed embarrassingly at the boxoffice (Hollywood & Swine, February 12, 2013).

According to Pope Benedict, he’s gone to Leno for career advice since the College of Cardinals elected him in 2005, because the only person capable of understanding the impossible task of succeeding a legendary figure like Pope John Paul II, was the man who succeeded Johnny Carson.

“Now I finally understand why everyone hates Jay Leno,” the newly elected and furious Pope Francis I said.  “If Pope Benedict had to model his career after a late night talk show host, I wish he would have picked Craig Kilborn.  At least he had the decency to step down and never be heard from again.”

Former NBC President and current CNN President Jeff Zucker believes two Popes could work, much like he still believes his failed Jay Leno and Conan O’Brien experiment still could have worked, if everyone gave it a chance.

According to sources close to the Vatican, the Catholic Church is seriously considering Zucker’s idea of two Popes because they’re afraid to lose Pope Benedict to several of their rival religions.  According to Zucker, the Church of Scientology, otherwise known as the TBS of religions, has already offered Pope Benedict their standard billion-year contract.

  • dave

    Very good!

  • buddynoel

    I hear the Cairo office always has opening following each riot.

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