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Johnny Depp Impersonators Forced Out Of Business After Actor’s Third Straight Flop

by Andy Marx & Will McArdle

On the heels of movie star Johnny Depp’s latest film, “Transcendence,” earning a disappointing $10.8 million, hundreds of Johnny Depp impersonators nationwide have permanently hung up their fedoras and blue-tinted glasses.  According to Pat Zolak, a Johnny Depp impersonator, who has made a living the past ten years taking photos with tourists on Hollywood Boulevard, he had to face the sad truth that with “Transcendence” being Depp’s third straight big budget bomb, the public has little or no interest left in the former “21 Jump Street” star.

Johnny Depp

Pat Zolak, a Johnny Depp inpersonator on Hollywood Blvd., is being forced out of business after Depp’s latest flop.

“Luckily, I was one of the few Depp impersonators who saw this coming,” Zolak told Hollywood &Swine.  “That’s why I walked out midway through ‘Lone Ranger’ and enrolled in the University of Phoenix.  In just a few short months, I’ll have my degree in Criminal Justice Administration.”

For years, becoming a Johnny Depp impersonator was the go-to profession for out-of-work, reasonably good-looking guys with facial hair who didn’t like to shower.  In 2011, Forbes Magazine estimated that a Johnny Depp impersonator who mastered the Oscar-nominee’s trademark mumbling and look of complete indifference could make up to $500 a week hassling tourists to take a photo with them.

Fortunately for Depp’s small legion of remaining fans, they can get a photo with the thousands of Jack Sparrow impersonators still in business.

“I don’t feel bad for those other Johnny Depp impersonators,” said Shane Stubblefield, a Jack Sparrow impersonator on Las Vegas’ famous Fremont Street.  “Did they really think it was a good career move to base your entire look on the character from ‘Secret Window?’”