Kristin Stewart

Kristen Stewart Makes Multiple Conjugal Visits to Inmates of Director Jail

After the wives of every married director in Hollywood signed a petition preventing their husbands from working with Kristen Stewart, Hollywood & Swine has learned the “Twilight” star has made numerous conjugal visits to Director Jail.

According to sources at the Renny Harlin Correctional Institute, the actress not only wanted to visit the jail for its abundance of married directors, but to also be around others like herself, who have recently faced the wrath of movie fans.

Kristin Stewart

Kristin Stewart waits her turn to get inside Director Jail for a conjugal visit.

“I didn’t think America could hate anything worse than ‘Battleship,’ ” said Peter Berg, whose been incarcerated since directing one of the worst films of the summer.  “But then Kristen cheated on Robert Pattinson and proved me wrong.”

Stewart, whose affair with her 41-year-old married “Snow White and the Huntsman” director Rupert Sanders was made public last week, was an immediate hit with the Director Jail inmate population.

“I always thought Kristen’s acting was a little one-dimensional,” married Director Jail inmate Oliver Stone told Hollywood & Swine.  “But ever since I saw those US Weekly photos, I’ve been dying to work with her.”

Although Stewart spent many hours at Director Jail during her numerous visits, it is unconfirmed how many directors Stewart had intimate relations with, due to the Renny Harlin Penitentiary’s policy of “What Happens In Director Jail, Stays In Director Jail.”

But Hollywood & Swine has learned there is one inmate Stewart did not sleep with — Joel Schumacher, who is still holding out hope that Robert Pattinson will pay a visit to Director Jail.

“Kristen flirted with me, but I turned her down, explaining that the only thing I’m married to is my work,” Schumacher said.  “And when I mean my work, I mean making absolutely terrible movies.”

  • RKittridge

    chick’s got the wingspan of a boeing 747 if thats not photoshopped

  • Tonie

    How do you people make trash up… Sad thing you really get paid. Hope its not much cause its not work the paper it written on

  • Lindsay

    The idea of satire goes over your head. Does The Onion make you mad too?