In an attempt to hide the embarrassment and humiliation on his face after the disastrous opening weekend of his latest film, “Bullet to the Head,” which made a paltry $4.9 million, Slyvester Stallone was rushed to the hospital where he immediately received massive injections of Botox. Stallone’s plastic surgeon, who injected the actor’s face with over two hundred injections, was able to assure Stallone that the Botox’s paralyzing effects will last longer than “Bullet to the Head” will last in theaters.
According to sources close to Stallone, the actor’s face first started showing small signs of embarrassment and humiliation as the dismal boxoffice numbers for “Bullet to the Head” began rolling in Friday afternoon, after the film’s first matinee performances. By Saturday morning, when it was apparent the film was going to bomb, several more worry lines began to appear on Stallone’s forehead. It was then that Stallone was rushed to the hospital where he received massive amounts of Botox in an attempt to prevent any more showing of emotion.
“I didn’t think it was possible to have a bigger bomb than Jason Statham’s ‘Parker’ or Arnold Schwarzenegger’s ‘The Last Stand,’ but I was wrong,” Stallone admitted to Hollywood & Swine. “This means I’m now going to be the laughingstock on the set of ‘Expendables 3.’ ”
Stallone blamed the failure of “Bullet to the Head,” which he called the most original screenplay since “Tango & Cash,” on Warner Bros.’ marketing team. According to Stallone, the studio mixed up the date for this year’s Superbowl which caused them to mistakenly release the male-targeted action film on the same weekend of the game.
“I always get the Pro-Bowl and Superbowl confused,” a Warner Bros. marketing executive said. “I could have sworn the Superbowl happened last weekend. In hindsight, Warner Bros. probably should have put someone who follows sports in charge of the marketing campaign for a Stallone film.”
Stallone also blamed the title “Bullet to the Head,” for causing confusion during its 30 second television spots. According to a survey conducted by Warner Bros.’ research department, when the majority of males 18-49 saw a commercial for “Bullet to the Head,” they assumed it was a teaser for the nightly news.