Matt Damon

Matt Damon Signs Up For LifeLock to Prevent Jeremy Renner from Stealing His Identity

Actor Matt Damon announced he has signed up for LifeLock, the well-known identify theft protection service, in order to prevent Jeremy Renner from stealing his identity after Renner managed to steal his movie franchise with “The Bourne Legacy,” the latest installment in the successful series of films.

“Renner clearly wants to be me,” a concerned Damon told Hollywood & Swine.  “It’s like I’m Bridget Fonda in ‘Single White Female’ and he’s Jennifer Jason Leigh.”

Matt Damon

According to Damon, Renner first became obsessed with stealing his identity while filming the movie “The Town,” starring and directed by Damon’s best friend, Ben Affleck.  Renner became so enamored with the charismatic Afleck that he tried to become his new best friend, but Affleck declined the offer due to his lifelong bond with Damon.

Shortly after, inspired by Damon’s own film “The Talented Mr. Ripley,” Renner devoted himself to supplanting  Damon in Hollywood, eventually replacing him in the latest installment of Universal’s “Bourne” franchise.

Damon also claims that Renner pretends to be him at restaurants to get better tables and has even called George Clooney to offer his services as a cheaper alternative to Damon if they decide to make “Ocean’s Fourteen.”

“Thanks to LifeLock, I no longer have to worry about Renner getting hold of my social security number and taking out credit cards in my name,” said a relieved Damon, who said he’s in negotiations to be LifeLock’s corporate spokesman.

But Hollywood & Swine has learned that negotiations between Damon and LifeLock have since fallen apart after the company decided to go with Jeremy Renner, a cheaper alternative,

  • ironskull

    Now that’s a funny article

  • ironskull

    Now that’s a funny article

  • ann

    This is bullshit.

  • Renner fan

    I agree this is bullshit! Why would he want to be Damon? People already know who Renner is. So know we have to make up things to have rumors?!?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Marco-Chaudry/100000989478599 Marco Chaudry

    This is BS, yet funny XD

  • http://curiousweekends.blogspot.com/ Leah

    I do not know if I should take this article seriously. :))

  • http://curiousweekends.blogspot.com/ Leah

    I do not know if I should take this article seriously. :))

  • justice

    ridiculous article…

  • justice

    ridiculous article…

  • Shaggy_Bird

    Guess I’m going to buy all the Renner films I can find

  • paroxisms of laughter

    Hilarious once you get past the misleading headline and check out the other hilarious satirical articles in the right side margin. The Li Lo and Sandusky are the best ones.

  • paroxisms of laughter

    Hilarious once you get past the misleading headline and check out the other hilarious satirical articles in the right side margin. The Li Lo and Sandusky are the best ones.

  • Rosalee Adams

    uh uh, sounds a bit paranoid
    While it may be far fetched I still remember his whine about

    the 007 franchise stealing his Bourne identity…….
    Had I not seen the interview I would never have believed it.
    Never did care for him and now am sure I have been right all along

  • Lacrobat

    Do Americans really have NO idea what satire is? (HINT: It’s not a French existentialist philosopher).

    • Enferno

      Haha, right? I might not understand it, but as an American at least I know: “Satire is other people.” Duh.

  • Lacrobat

    Do Americans really have NO idea what satire is? (HINT: It’s not a French existentialist philosopher).