President Barack Obama revealed today that director Michael Bay was part of a transaction between the American government and Al-Qaeda leaders that resulted in Bay being sent to a remote village in Afghanistan in exchange for five Al-Qaeda film and TV directors, and a screenwriter to be named later.
The top secret exchange, which had been in the works for several months, occurred early last week, after a team of Navy Seals knocked Bay unconscious at his house with a Razzie Award he won in 2010 for directing “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.” The 49-year-old director was then whisked to a barren field outside Kowtalay in the Nuristan province of Afghanistan where the trade was carried out.
“Our national nightmare of bloated, noisy action films with outlandishly simplistic plotlines and minimal character development is finally over,” President Obama said in a speech from the White House Rose Garden. “And I promise that, before my term is over, I will have deported Brett Ratner, M. Night Shyamalan, and any and all responsible for the ‘Scary Movie’ franchise.”
Following the announcement, the president’s approval rating rose to 117%. In addition, Obama received high praise from both Democrats and Republican lawmakers, who agreed the president had made the right decision, the first time Democrats and Republicans have agreed on anything since Obama was first elected in 2008.
As for Bay, there are reports that he is already carving out a career for himself in the Nuristan province, one of Afghanistan’s most lawless and dangerous regions. He has begun principal filming on a Taliban-financed motion picture which bears the working title “Robot Camels Hastening The Demise Of The Western Infidels.” The producers of the film are reportedly extremely happy with Bay’s directorial predilection for unnecessary over-the-top explosions and ridiculously high body counts.
The Al-Qaeda directors have also succeeded in finding work in Los Angeles. Waleed Humayyed Al-Qahtani just finished directing several of Sprint’s popular “Framily” commercials, and Mu’jib Muhammad Al-Shaibani is currently at the helm of an episode of the hit Nickelodeon show “The Haunted Hathaways.”