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Moments After Kim Kardashian Gives Birth, Taylor Swift Steals Baby

Admitting she had waited years for the perfect opportunity to get back at Kanye West for storming the stage and grabbing the microphone at the 2009 VMAs during her acceptance speech for Best Female Video, Taylor Swift stunned an audience of doctors and nurses at Cedar-Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles, when she suddenly appeared and stole the infant daughter of West and reality star Kim Kardashian, who had given birth just hours earlier.

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According to horrified publicists of Kardashian and West, who were live- blogging the birth, Swift appeared from nowhere and immediately grabbed the baby once it had been handed to West by Kardashian.

“We all knew there was a good chance of someone coming in and taking the baby,” Dr. Gregory Tanner, who delivered the baby, told Hollywood & Swine.  “But we all assumed it would be Rumpelstiltskin since Kim agreed to give him her first born child for helping her turn her no-talent career into gold.  He was angry when he showed up moments later and learned Taylor Swift had already taken the child.”

Authorities are actively working with Us Weekly, TMZ, and the E! Network to help locate the child, setting up extensive checkpoints and Amber Alerts throughout the state.  Although Swift has yet to contact authorities, she has written and recorded seven songs about the infant kidnapping, three of which have already cracked the top ten Billboard charts.

According to sources, West, who is now taken to comparing himself to Steve Jobs and Michael Jordan, was unfazed by the kidnapping.

In related news, Kardashian and West announced that they had sold the baby-naming rights to Chrysler Motors, who outbid a number of corporations, including Pepsi, Annheiser-Busch and Fedex for the rights to name the newborn baby after Kardashian and West announced they were auctioning the baby-naming rights to the highest bidder (Hollywood & Swine, January 3, 2013).  According to a Chrysler spokesperson, the company will begin emblazoning the baby with Chrysler logos once she is recovered from Taylor Swift.

  • To Cleaver by Half

    Wow! This entry requires multiple year memory of the still iconic West-Swift fued. Kudos to H&S for another trip down memory lane of cultural weirdness.

  • gnark1ll

    We can only hope that this all ends in a Mexican Standoff….and that the paps are there to record the rounds smashing home.

    Only then will we be able to move on.