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Nicolas Cage Fires Sixth Grader Responsible For Picking His Movie Roles

In what many in Hollywood are calling Nicolas Cage’s best career move in ages, the Oscar-winning actor has fired 12-year-old Joey Thompson, a sixth grade student, who has been in charge of picking Cage’s film roles for the last several years.

Cage decided to ax the youngster, a student at Glenwood Elementary School in Los Angeles, after his latest film “Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance” struggled at the box office and was critically panned, receiving a rating of just 15 percent on Rotten Tomatoes.

“Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance” was the latest in a long string of box office and critical failures for Cage during Thompson’s tenure picking his movies, that included “Trespass,” “Season of the Witch,” “Drive Angry,” and “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice.”

For years, numerous rumors have circulated through Hollywood about how Cage actually picks his movie roles, each one seemingly worse than its predecessor.  The most popular theory suggested that the actor, while blindfolded, threw darts at scripts taped to a wall — whichever one he hit would be his next project.  Others suggested that whenever Cage was offered numerous scripts to consider, the actor, who hates to read, simply picked the shortest one.

But it wasn’t until early this week that Cage finally admitted that he had enlisted the aid of the sixth grader to help pick his films.

The eccentric actor felt that a 12-year-old was the only person with the skills to fully understand him and his child-like personality and interests. Cage famously spent a $276,000 on a dinosaur skull, once owned a $1.6 million comic book collection, and named his son Kal-El, after Cage’s hero, Superman.

Industry insiders said that the 12-year-old and CAA, the agency that represents Cage constantly clashed over the direction of his career.

One CAA agent told Hollywood & Swine, “He was offered ‘The Descendants’ and ‘Safe House,” but that sixth grader kept telling Nick they sounded lame, so he passed.  Honestly, I’m not even sure that kid could read.”

  • Joey Thompson

    Fair enough, but The Wicker Man was not my fault.

    • Rowan Charlton

      Wait, what? Is this article real? It can’t be. It’s more likely Nicholas Cage would pick roles that his son would tell him to do, but just a child from a school?
      Is this real or not? Cause if it is, then no offence to you Joey, I’m sure your a good kid, but Nicholas Cage is stupid for not choosing his own film roles.

      • Dffffffffffffffffffff

        the stupidity of people here amazes me

        • Rowan Charlton

          Oh, I’m stupid? I do know its fake. Can’t you detect the sarcasm?
          Stupidity of people these days amaze me.

          • Not Nicolas Cage

            You were obviously not being sarcastic. If you were then you’re terrible at it. You were asking if this article is real and now your calling other people stupid for not “getting” your sarcasm. Dumb ass.

  • Tykittaa

    This article seems to suggest that Safe House was a good movie. It wasn’t. Even Season of the Witch was more entertaining.

    • Valeri

      no,this article does not suggest such. It was all about ”flops”, a flop is a film that tanks at the box office,Safe House was a hit,not a flop.That was the point here.

  • http://www.timothyjhammons.com Timothy

    But… I liked Season of the Witch! It’s the only one that you mentioned that I have actually seen. :)

  • Nicolas Cage

    Listen you little shit, we’re done here.

    • http://twitter.com/techshot22 Tech Shot

      u mad nick?

  • Joey Lawrence

    Woah.

  • Maplebird

    Trust a sixth-grader to know what all the good movies are. What a dumbass.

  • ThomasM195

    Look at his paychecks and his bank account… he isn’t a failure! :)

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Gordon-Campbell/100000824838396 Gordon Campbell

      He’s BANKRUPT NUMBNUTS

      • http://twitter.com/psycho_pigeon PsychoPigeon

        No, he’s not.

  • The Ultimate Lurker

    I’m gonna give Cage the benefit of doubt and say that this artical isn’t true…. WOW!

  • ToupééOrNotToToupée

    Now he should fire his 6th grader hair stylist, too.

  • http://www.facebook.com/sasson7 Solomon Sasson

    This is definitely the FUNNIEST article I’ve read in a long-long time…:)

  • Pingback: Francis Ford Coppola and Nephew Nicolas Cage Spend New Year’s Day Reminiscing About When They Made Good Movies

  • w c engerson

    lol i painted francis ford cope ohh la . portrait , i sent it to w g o w , in chattanooga. tenn ,nick cage would do good to play a pirate or spy.

  • bambam

    how much did he pay little joey thompson?

    • Nicko the dicko

      One million billion trillion dollars! That’s why I’m so broke now.

  • Phoneo Nemo

    This is actually a humor site. Like the Onion, only more plausible. Though since this is talking about Cage, this idea isn’t much of a stretch.

  • West

    I heard that Cage also had Joey as his stock broker and accountant.

  • georgewashlincoln

    this still doesnt explain how cage got to be a movie star or how he continues to be offered roles. i hear keanu reeves has hired joey tho.

  • Billy Engerson

    where is my godfather when i need him?

  • Pingback: Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance (plus drinking game) | Movies that flip the Truck

  • Rosalee Adams

    we finally have the real story

  • TypclWtPrsn

    ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz………………

  • hexxuss

    I may very well be one of the 5 (or so) people who truly love Nic Cage as an actor. I loved Ghostrider 2, I really liked Season of the Witch (which had one of my OTHER favourite actors EVER in it – Ron Perlman), and Sorcerer’s Apprentice is one of my favourite movies. Guess that’s why so many different movies, genres and styles exist, because everyone has different tastes. This article, however, was freaking hilarious lol.

  • fritzidler

    Actually, Nick Cage should try this idea. Bet his career would pick up.

  • dungeons and draccus’s

    This explains something.

  • caiusKeys

    I like when Nick blamed his accountant for his financial problems when, at the same time, he owned like three castles.

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