Numerous filmmakers will be given an early release as a result of overcrowding at director jail, as the penitentiary makes room for its newest inmate, Oliver Stone. In a surprising twist, Stone actually turned himself in to authorities after re-watching his latest directorial effort, “Savages.”
According to prison officials, the Renny Harlin Correctional Institute was already at maximum capacity prior to Stone’s arrival, due to the alarming number of bad movies produced by Hollywood during the last decade.
In order to make room for Stone’s massive ego, an entire wing of the jail was needed, which meant other inmates would be granted early release. Among the inmates granted early release were Kevin Smith, Paul W.S. Anderson, Jan de Bont, Richard Kelly, McG, and Martin Brest.
The announcement of the the directors’ early release set off a firestorm of criticism by victims rights groups representing the millions of moviegoers who suffered through these filmmakers’ misguided cinematic disasters.
“I felt safe going to the movies, knowing Martin Brest was locked up,” said Janice Colfer, one of the few people in America who actually saw in “Gigli” in theaters. “Now that’s he getting out, I’m scared.”
McG, who was serving time for his most recent film, “This Means War,” was granted work-release, where he will have to direct corporate training videos for several years until he can prove to authorities that he is is ready to helm a studio film again.
Surprisingly, even Uwe Boll, arguably the worst director in the history of cinema, was given an early release. According to the terms of his parole, Boll must go house to house, alerting his neighbors that a terrible filmmaker is now living in their neighborhood.
Within hours of arriving in director jail, Stone was rushed to the infirmary, as he began having severe headaches. It was later discovered Stone was having violent flashbacks of the making of his epic flop, “Alexander,” which, according to Stone, were even worse than his Vietnam flashbacks.