In a rare prisoner swap, officials of the Renny Harlin Correctional Institute announced today that under new sentencing guidelines, Paul Verhoeven, who directed the original “Total Recall,” will be released from Director Jail to make room for Len Wiseman, who directed the remake, which opened this past weekend to a rotten rating of 31% on Rotten Tomatoes and a dismal boxoffice gross of just $26 million.
“Anytime someone makes a sequel that’s worse than the original, they’re immediately sentenced to Director Jail,” a prison official told Hollywood & Swine. “If the director of the original is in Director Jail, as is the case with Mr. Verhoeven, he’s immediately released. It’s a very rare occurrence, but when it happens, we have to abide by the rules.”
According to police reports, Wiseman did not give up quietly, claiming that his film’s performance was a huge success, since it made $400,000 more than the original “Total Recall,” which starred Arnold Schwarzenegger and made $25,533,700 during its opening weekend in 1990.
When police arrived to arrest Wiseman, he was on the phone with Paul Verhoeven, who’s been in Director Jail since 2006’s “Black Book,” bragging that he now held the record for the highest opening “Total Recall” of all time.
“My version of ‘Total Recall’ may have had the advantage of playing on over 1,400 more screens and at much higher ticket prices,” Wiseman told police, “but it’s a record that should stand for many years, especially considering that nobody is stupid enough to to remake ‘Total Recall’ a third time.”
When police informed Wiseman that the original “Total Recall” would have made close to $50 million when adjusted for inflation during its opening weekend, Wiseman finally gave himself up.
Executives of Sony, which released the latest “Total Recall,” admitted they were shocked by the film’s poor performance, especially after they were assured by a 50-year-old unemployed man dressed in a Spider-Man costume at this year’s Comic-Con that their upcoming big-budget film ‘Total Recall,’ would be a boxoffice hit of epic proportions (Hollywood & Swine, July 16, 2012).
According to Verhoeven, Wiseman spent over an hour on the phone gloating not only about the success of his film, but also about the fact he’s married to the beautiful star of “Total Recall,” Kate Beckinsale.
“He even threatened to remake some of my other classics like ‘Basic Instinct’ and ‘Showgirls’ with his wife in the leads,” said Verhoeven. “Fortunately, since he’ll be in Director Jail for quite a while, he won’t get the chance to do that.”
In related news, Arnold Schwarzenegger, the star of the original “Total Recall,” announced that for the first time ever, his house is impeccably clean. Schwarzenegger credits his spotless home on his decision to finally hire male housekeepers, whom unlike their female predecessors were allowed to get their work done, without the interference of Schwarzenegger.