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President Obama Hires Claire Danes to Keep Watch On Rescued POW Bowe Bergdahl

by Andy Marx & Will McArdle

President Barack Obama has announced he has enlisted the help of Golden Globe winning actress Claire Danes to help keep a close eye on Army Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl, the recently released American POW held captive by the Taliban in Afghanistan for the last five years, as he readjusts to life back home in the United States. President Obama’s decision to hire Danes to keep tabs on Bergdahl comes out of fear that Bergdahl’s release from captivity eerily mirrors the plot of the Commander-in-Chief’s favorite television show, “Homeland,” the hit Showtime series which stars Danes about terrorists releasing a POW after years of captivity in order for him to carry out their diabolic plans on American soil.

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“A lot of people think I’m crazy for hiring Danes, but then again a lot of people thought Carrie was crazy for suspecting that Sgt. Nicholas Brody was up to something in the first season of ‘Homeland,’ ” President Obama told Hollywood & Swine. “I wouldn’t put it past those sneaky Taliban guys to try and use the plot of my favorite television series against me.”

The White House revealed over the weekend that Bergdahl’s release had been secured, in exchange for five Taliban prisoners held at Guantanamo Bay, as well as the release of notorious director Joel Schumacher from the Renny Harlin Correctional Institute, otherwise known as Director Jail. For years, Schumacher has been the Taliban’s favorite Hollywood filmmaker because of the way he has terrorized American audiences with such terrible films as “Batman & Robin,” “Trespass,” “Bad Company” and “The Number 23.”

Bergdahl admitted he has never seen a single episode of “Homeland” due to being held prisoner in a cave during the show’s first three seasons, but he is very familiar with Danes’ work, since the Taliban used to torture him regularly by forcing him to watch her angst filled 90’s teen drama, “My So-Called Life.”

In related news, Vice President Joe Biden has announced that in a move also inspired by “Homeland” he will ask Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl to be his running mate in the 2016 Presidential election.