On the heels of FX Networks’ announcement that they are ordering 90 episodes of Charlie Sheen’s sitcom “Anger Management,” prostitutes and drug dealers across the country rejoiced, as they expect to see a much needed financial boost to their recession-battered industries.
“When I first heard the good news about ‘Anger Management’ getting 90 more episodes, I immediately went out and leased a new Mercedes,” said Jasmine Stone, a Los Angeles prostitute. “Thank God for basic cable.”
According to sources close to Sheen, the actor’s business manager forced him to cut back on his extravagant spending on hookers and illegal drugs, until he got a guarantee that FX would order the other 90 episodes.
A study conducted by the nation’s top economists discovered that the prostitution and illegal drug industry in the United States has only faced a recession twice in the last twenty years. The first was in the late ’90s when Charlie Sheen’s movie career dried up. The second occurred last year, when the actor was temporarily unemployed after being fired from “Two and Half a Men,” and was forced to cut back drastically on his partying budget.
“It’s Economics 101,” said Max Horton, an Economics Professor at Harvard. “When Charlie Sheen is earning millions, prostitutes and drug dealers make more money. However, I wouldn’t advise anyone to get too excited, because according to my calculations, Charlie will probably only live long enough to film half of those 90 episodes.”
“The success of ‘Anger Management’ just proves that if you’re a quality person with solid values, good things will happen to you,” Sheen told Hollywood & Swine, before going off to celebrate his 90 episode order with a lavish, drug-fueled orgy.