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Alarming Rise of Dyslexia in Hollywood Blamed For 2013’s Poor Boxoffice Performance

A new report issued today puts much of the blame for Hollywood’s dismal boxoffice performance this year on an alarming rise of dyslexia among Hollywood executives, filmmakers and others.  According to recent statistics released by the U.S. Department of Education, an estimated two-third of Hollywood actors, producers, studio executives, and directors are functionally illiterate and unable to tell the difference between a good script and a really horrible one.

Boxoffice

An executive at Film District, the company behind the boxoffice disaster, “Parker,” is seen in his office. struggling to figure out if the script he’s reading is good or bad.

“The only rational explanation for why no one knew how bad the screenplay for the dreadful boxoffice bomb ‘Parker’ was, is that their brains kept messing up the letters when they were reading the script,” a spokesperson for the U.S. Department of Education told Hollywood & Swine.  “People in Hollywood need to admit they have a learning disability and that there’s nothing embarrassing about having dyslexia. However, there is something embarrassing about the last nine Jason Statham films.”

According to the U.S. Department of Education, dyslexia played a key role in all of 2013’s terrible theatrical releases including, “A Haunted House,” “Texas Chainsaw 3D,” “A Good Day To Die Hard,” “Escape from Planet Earth,” “Broken City,” “Stand Up Guys,” “Gangster Squad,”  “Bullet to the Head,” and especially, the horrendous comedy, “Movie 43.”

A popular theory of why Hollywood has a higher rate of illiteracy in the United States than any other profession other than working at Walmart, has to do with the fact that Hollywood is the one place a barely literate individual can achieve fame and fortune.

“When the screenplay for ‘Identity Thief’ is what we’re striving to achieve, you know the dyslexia problem has really gotten out of hand,” Writers Guild of America president Chris Keyser said.  “At least we finally know why Hollywood loves to hear so many pitches.”

As Hollywood struggles with its dyslexia epidemic, a solution is being utilized in the meantime to help prevent any more awful films from getting made: According to executives at Audible.com, the company behind audio books, beginning early next week, numerous audio versions of screenplays will be available to those in Hollywood with dyslexia.