editor

Russia Hires Oscar Winner Thelma Schoonmaker to Edit Flight MH17 Black Box

by Andy Marx & Will McArdle

Three-time Academy Award winning Editor Thelma Schoonmaker has confirmed that she was hired by Russian President Vladimir Putin to edit the black boxes from flight MH17 before Pro-Russian separatists handed them over to Malaysian authorities earlier today. According to Schoonmaker, President Putin offered to triple her regular quote if he she cut the last twenty minutes of the flight recordings of the commercial airliner, which was shot down over the Ukraine last week.

“Putin said that if I was able to cut an hour off ‘Wolf of Wall Street’ then I’d definitely be able to help hide the fact Moscow-backed rebels killed nearly 300 people,” Schoonmaker told Hollywood & Swine. “He even asked if there was any way I could make it look it like the Ukrainian military was responsible for this horrible act, but I told him even I’m not that good of an editor.”

Schoonmaker, who has collaborated with legendary filmmaker Martin Scorsese on over 17 films, including her Oscar-winning work on “Raging Bull,” “Aviator” and “The Departed,” took the job because of her desire to win a Nika Award, the Russian equivalent of an Academy Award, which Putin promised she’d win if she helped get him out of this diplomatic nightmare.

In related news, Pro-Russian separatists were kicked out of a Ukrainian movie theater playing Disney’s “Planes: Fire and Rescue” after mistakenly firing rockets at the screen.