For-profit colleges investigation

Senate Launches 2nd Investigation Into ‘Zero Dark Thirty’ to Determine If Jessica Chastain’s Carpet Matches the Drapes

On the heels of the United States Senate launching a formal investigation into the film “Zero Dark Thirty,” to determine if the CIA gave classified information to the filmmakers, the Senate has announced a second formal investigation, this time to find if the movie’s Oscar-nominated actress, Jessica Chastain, is a natural redhead.

Iowa Senator Tom Harkin is heading the Senate’s investigation to determine if Jessica Chastain’s carpet matches her drapes.

“During our original investigation into ‘Zero Dark Thirty,’ Senator Harry Reid mentioned Jessica Chastain and if anyone knew whether or not her carpet matched her drapes,” Iowa Senator Tom Harkin told Hollywood & Swine.  “When no one knew for sure, we immediately launched an investigation.  America has the right to know whether or not she was born a redhead or is faking like ‘Mad Men’s’ Christina Hendricks.”

But critics of the Chastain investigation claim this is the number one reason why gridlock continues to exist in Washington: Instead of tackling such issues as the fiscal cliff and the looming debt ceiling crisis, the Senate has been busy re-watching the 2012 film “Lawless” to see if Jessica Chastain’s nude scenes help shine a light on their current investigation.

Senator Harkin revealed he plans to issue subpoenas to all of Chastain’s former boyfriends and have them testify on the floor of the Senate on the actress’ true hair color.  Harkin also revealed he offered “Zero Dark Thirty” director Kathryn Bigelow, who failed to receive a Best Director Oscar nomination (Hollywood & Swine, January 10, 2012), full immunity for her involvement in getting illegal classified information to make her movie, in exchange for her helping the Senate resolve the Chastain carpet-drapes debate.

According to many Beltway observers, the Chastain investigation reminds a lot of people in Washington of the little-known Julia Roberts investigation in the early 90s, when the Senate held hearings to find out whether or not the “Pretty Woman” star’s carpet matched her drapes.  The investigation ended abruptly when Roberts married Lyle Lovett in 1993, and like most of America the Senate lost interest in the actress.

  • Marta Yost

    Love it. 🙂

  • Marco Chaudry

    *roles eyes*

  • disqus_zwG5mqcxvu

    Hysterical. For real life intrique read “The Oscar Letterts,” by bestselling author Shaun Considine – in which Hollywood uber columnist, Hedda Hopper, tried to ensure that both Grace Kelly and Simone Signiret did not win their Best Actress Oscars. Hedda failed and was later sued for another of her star transgressions.

  • John

    I thought this was a cancelled Macfarlane joke. Apparently not