academy awards

Struggling Actors Confident They’ll Be Discovered Sunday Night as Oscar Seat Fillers

A recent survey of seat fillers for Sunday night’s upcoming Academy Awards discovered that over 72% percent of them are struggling actors and of that number, 100% are confident they will finally get discovered.  Producers of the 85th Academy Awards have told security to frisk seat fillers before they enter the Kodak Theatre Sunday night to ensure that they don’t try to sneak in headshots or demo reels which has become a problem of epidemic proportions during the past few years.

Academy Awards

Struggling actor Ryan Haslam arrived four days early, hoping to get discovered as he waits to begin his job as an Academy Awards seat filler.

“Last year that little girl from ‘Beasts of the Southern Wild’ never thought she’d be nominated for an Oscar,” said Ryan Haslam, a part-time seat filler and full-time unemployed actor.  “So I’m hopeful that next year I’ll get an invitation to go the Oscars and not be forced to get up when George Clooney returns from the bathroom.”

Producers of the 85th Academy Awards have also given seat fillers other strict instructions to follow that include:

— Don’t talk to anyone you’re sitting next to because they aren’t your equal.

— Avoid making movie stars feel guilty when they ask for their seats backs.

— Don’t ask anyone if they can get you into an after party.

Producers of the 85th Academy Awards have also reminded Best Actor nominee Joaquin Phoenix that there will be seat fillers to avoid the eccentric actor from getting confused and trying to fight them for stealing his seat.

In related news, Vanity Fair Magazine has put out a warning to young women in Los Angeles to avoid sleeping with anyone this weekend who promises they can get you into their coveted after party, because more than likely than not, they’re lying.