Though the Hollywood celebrity holiday cards keep arriving by the truckload, we’ve managed to narrow down our favorites, which include cards from the inmates of Director Jail, Taylor Kitsch and many of the screenwriters who have been banned from Starbucks. To paraphrase Roy Scheider’s famous line in “Jaws,” if we get any more holiday cards, we’re going to need a bigger office.
It certainly didn’t take long for Santa Claus to figure out which directors were naughty or nice to audiences this past year. All you needed to do was just look at the newest residents of the Renny Harlin Correctional Institute, known to most as Director Jail. Directors Andrew Stanton, Peter Berg, and Oliver Stone, who the media named “The Taylor Kitsch Three,” were sentenced for their cinematic crimes “John Carter,” “Battleship,” and “Savages.”
According to officials of Director Jail, Andrew Stanton came up for parole last week, but was denied after the parole board rewatched the first act of “John Carter.” Peter Berg has admitted he’s become pen pals with the paralyzed woman who regained use of her legs after 25 years, when she walked out of “Battleship” (Hollywood & Swine, May 23, 2012).
Director jail’s most infamous inmate, Joel Schumacher, said all three directors fit in perfectly at the Renny Harlin Correctional Institute, because like all of the inmates, they believe they are innocent and that their films are actually good.
Speaking of Taylor Kitsch, the actor took Hollywood by storm in 2012. Unfortunately, that storm turned out to be like Hurricane Sandy and left a path of destruction in its wake with the box office disasters “John Carter” and “Battleship,” and the underwhelming “Savages.” Several celebrities came together for the “Taylor Kitsch” Telethon” which raised millions in donations to help Disney and Universal recover the money Kitsch’s film career cost them.
Kitsch has decided to give back to the less fortunate this Christmas and revealed to Hollywood & Swine that he’s spending the entire month of December handing out the millions of unsold “Battleship” DVDs to underprivileged children.
When Starbucks banned screenwriters from all 19,435 locations for being too depressing to other customers and stealing packets of Sweet & Low (Hollywood & Swine, March 5, 2012), it turned out to be a blessing in disguise for the countless number of procrastinating screenwriters looking for an excuse not to work on their screenplays.
“Now instead of writing my God awful action spec, I can protest at my local Starbucks for hours each day demanding they lift their ban,” said George Prosser, an unemployed screenwriter. “I haven’t felt this good since the Writer’s Guild Strike years ago.”
Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz admitted he is getting in the holiday spirit and is considering lifting the screenwriter ban, which he believes will help the coffee chains’ declining business this year.
“It turns out our customers loved seeing screenwriters struggling on their laptops because it made them feel better about themselves,” Schultz told Hollywood & Swine.