Lindsay Lohan was killed early this morning by a drone operated by the tabloid website TMZ that accidentally crashed into her on a New York sidewalk after flying too close to her while taking a photo. According to horrified eyewitnesses, Lohan survived the drone’s initial impact, but died in a fiery explosion moments later, which authorities attributed to Lohan’s extremely high blood-alcohol levels.
Though TMZ denied rumors earlier this week that it asked the FAA for a permit to acquire a drone, TMZ head Harvey Levin admitted that months earlier he blackmailed former CIA Director David Patraeus into selling one to TMZ, in exchange for destroying incriminating photos that would have exposed Patraeus’ affair with his female biographer.
“This is the saddest day in the history of TMZ,” a somber Harvey Levin told Hollywood & Swine. “That drone cost us millions of dollars. But on the bright side, TMZ has the exclusive last photo of Lindsay Lohan before her death.”
Immediately following the reports of Lohan’s death, President Obama met with reporters at a news conference in order to address questions as to how TMZ was able to acquire a drone from the U.S. government.
“It would be hypocritical for me to criticize TMZ, because I myself have killed people with drones,” President Obama said. “Besides, I just watched ‘Liz & Dick’ so let’s be honest, her career was dead anyway.”
Lohan’s friends said the actress was happy in the moments leading up to her death, confident it was impossible for her week could get any worse, following the premiere last Sunday of Lifetime’s “Liz & Dick,” in which Lohan’s performance was slaughtered by critics. That was followed by her arrest early Thursday morning in New York after she assaulted a woman in a club, and later that day Los Angeles prosecutors filed charges against her for a hit-and-run incident back in June.
“Lindsay was also happy because for the first time in years, she managed to successfully lose the paparazzi that was always following her,” said a friend of Lohan, who was walking beside the actress at the time of the accident. “Then we heard a buzzing sound in the air and looked up and saw the words ‘TMZ’ coming at us.”
Dina Lohan, Lindsay’s mother, was informed of her daughter’s death by a swarm of aggressive TMZ cameramen. According to one cameraman, Dina appeared to be in denial about her daughter’s tragic accident, the same way she has been in denial about Lindsay’s prior legal and drug and alcohol problems.