U.S. Government to Play Nicolas Cage Movies At Border to Prevent Flood Of Illegal Immigrants

by Andy Marx & Will McArdle

Desperate to stop the flood of illegal immigrants coming into the United States in recent months, President Obama has announced that the government will immediately begin playing Nicolas Cage movies at the border. According to President Obama, the only reason he hasn’t used Nicolas Cage’s filmography to secure the border earlier was because of the potential human rights violations that come with exposing people to Cage’s horrible films.

“Nicolas Cage is the ultimate patriot,” President Obama told Hollywood & Swine. “No one wants to make so many awful films, let alone an Oscar-winning actor, but Nicolas Cage knows they might be the only hope to stop this onslaught of illegal immigration.”

Starting this week, some of Cage’s worst films including “Season on the Witch,” “Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance,” “Trespass,” “Stolen,” “Seeking Justice,” “Sorcerer’s Apprentice,” “Bangkok Dangerous,” “The Wicker Man,” “Next,” and “Drive Angry” will be playing at every possible border crossing throughout Texas. In addition to these efforts Cage will be premiering his latest terrible film “Rage” in the Rio Grande Valley where the majority of illegal aliens are entering the United States.

Cage hopes his terrible films will be effective in stopping the flow of illegal immigrants so he can return to making movies people don’t want to run away from like he did in the mid-90’s.

“It doesn’t matter if you’re from El Salvador, Guatemala, Honduras, or Mexico, everyone knows a Nicolas Cage film is something you should avoid,” said Nicolas Cage. “I love my country so much that I’d be willing to make another ‘Ghost Rider’ film to keep our borders safe.”